Down in a hole. The rhythm of those words sank into my running cadence as I looked around at gray skies. Down, in, a, hole. One, two, three, four. The song is from Alice in Chains, and I don’t know if I’ve listened to it in the past five years. Yet, I couldn’t shake free from those lyrics. Music sets the tone for much of my life; I try to be my own DJ and meditate on positive songs. But “Down in a hole” stuck deep. My life soundtrack had become one of the most negative messages I could send myself.
This all happened back in the fall, and those words lined up with exactly how I felt for weeks. My running felt slow. Work felt dreary. And everything else in my personal life was suffering in a depressed incessant descent down a giant invisible drain.
“Down in a hole” has a slow, haunting melody. It’s not a top choice on anyone’s running playlist (that I know of at least). The more I let my mind hit replay, the more miserable I became. Running helps clear my head most of the time. But with those words haunting my steps, running provided no joy or escape.
It took me far too long to realize my ability to change the song in my brain and along with it my attitude for the future.
Why was I choosing to focus on every negative thing in my life? I gave those words power over my mind.
Instead of sinking deeper into that hole, I decided to change my mental track. Each time I took a step and was tempted to sing depressing lyrics to myself, I forced myself to come up with a new lyrical mantra.
From the Avett Brothers song “Head full of doubt/road full of promise,” I focused on the line “decide what to be and go be it.” I’ve written about those words before, and they helped motivate me when I began my running journey. So I returned to them.
Then I found a new song, Ben Howard’s “Keep your head up.” In the song, Howard repeats “keep your head up, keep your heart strong” over and over. He’s singing to a girl, but I claimed that lyric. I decided to keep my head up and my heart strong.
More songs followed, and I clung to multiple inspiring lines. I played them through my brain on repeat, drowning out any pessimism.
It’s amazing how we can turn around sadness with a little bit of focused effort. When this happened back in the fall, I was able to bounce back from my downward spiral. I regained joy and freedom in running. Work felt more worthwhile and less like a chore, and hopefully I became much easier to interact with.
In the past few weeks, I’ve unsuccessfully tried to fight off that “Down in a hole” feeling. I was sick for enough days for my daily running and planking streaks to end. I’m missing mileage goals, skipping workouts, and struggling to feel motivated for anything.
My future is unclear. I don’t know what job I will have in a few months, or what my life will look like next year, five years from now, 10 years from now, etc. Doubt creeps into my mind easily, and it makes a home.
But I realize I have a choice. I can keep giving in to negative thoughts, or I can choose to change my life soundtrack.
I’ve always laughed at remixed movie trailers. Change the songs and sound effects and you can completely change the tone and genre of the trailer. (Click here for an article with some funny examples). It might be a daily battle, but I’m choosing to focus on the positive. I’m recutting my soundtrack into an inspirational film.
I welcome a new day full of promise. Struggles will come, and the mental battles with them, but I will fight to look forward.
Remember, there is only one person in charge of your life soundtrack — you.
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