Looking back at 2020
I scraped a layer of skin off the top of my right hand a few days before Christmas. It wasn’t a big deal, but I had to use a paper towel to stop blood from flowing. A few minutes later my 15-month-old daughter Addie saw the the cut on my hand and started patting it. “Ow. It hurts,” I told her, making a sad face to convey my injured state. She immediately copied me, jutting her bottom lip out. Then she started crying and patting me. I watched her display empathy for the first time (that I have seen at least), and waves of emotions washed over me. 2020 has been such a challenging year, but, for me, tremendous growth found a home in the middle of the chaos.
At the start of 2020, Addie was 3 months old. She wasn’t mobile, and her waking hours were filled with staring out at the world. Seeing her running around now — talking non stop and asking questions, exploring every part of the world she can, and displaying a wide range of emotions daily — has reminded me how much growth can happen in a year.
Suffering and sacrifice highlighted 2020 for millions of people worldwide. A crippling pandemic brought death and financial hardship. Racial disparity has been on full display. Massive needed attention has shifted onto America’s foundation based on inequality.
Amid all of the tumult, however, I’ve been fortunate and blessed to find peace. For me, 2020 may have been the best year of my life. I had eight marathons cancel, and I missed traveling and visiting family in person. My natural response to many of the hurdles 2020 presented would be to feel pitiful. Poor me. Why am I not getting to do the things I want to do?
Instead of feeling that selfish anger, Addie has helped me view the world through a different lens. Don’t let me convince you that I haven’t had moments where I feel frustration or anger or selfish pity. But, those aren’t my guiding emotions.
I wake up every day with the incredible gift of spending time with Addie. I’ve watched her struggle to roll over for the first time. She bear crawled for a few months before trying out her first steps. Those initial uncertain steps, her eyes wide and looking around in fear of the world, have turned into confident strides. She has been frustrated at her own progress at times, working hard to figure something out or trying to communicate what she is thinking without success. But the overwhelming joy that floods her face when she finally succeeds is so satisfying.
Watching Addie grow has put my own personal growth in perspective. Why should I let frustration over circumstances beyond my control take over? So much is possible over the course of a year, but the growth can only happen a day at a time.
For 10 years now, running has greatly influenced my self worth. In 2019 I had several disappointing races, including Boston. I had an injury that took me out for several months, and I struggled trying to recover from it. I failed to run a PR in any distance and finished the year feeling like a failure. Because I didn’t have a single personal record to point to, 2019 was a wasted year.
I didn’t record a single PR in 2020 either, but my feelings about the year are completely different. There have been so many non-time related triumphs for me in the past 12 months.
Running in the early morning hours has always been my goal, but I’ve never been able to do it until this past year (thanks to Addie and the strict schedule she put me on). Strava’s yearly wrap-up showed that 5-6 a.m. was my most active hour of the year. It labeled me a “sunrise chaser,” which is comical for anyone who has ever known me.
Not racing allowed me to run more miles in a calendar year than I ever have before. Hopefully those miles will be a great base to spark 2021’s training.
2020 helped me see and appreciate bigger picture perspectives. I’m eternally blessed to be a stay-at-home dad. Playing with Addie and helping her develop and grow has filled a purpose hole in my life I didn’t know existed. Watching the world spiral can lead to feeling helpless, but many times for me in 2020, the chaos around led to feelings of gratitude. I’m so fortunate to have an incredible family, supportive friends, and health.
I don’t know when my next race will come, and I surely don’t know if I will be able to run a PR time when it happens. We might have many more hardships ahead in 2021. And I’m sure this next year will have its share of chaotic moments.
But I’m prepared, mentally and physically, for all of the above. I have so many goals to work for and reasons to love life.
Even in a pandemic, each day is worth living to its fullest. Now, just don’t call me out when I post something out of selfish frustration here in a few weeks.
Simply remind me how much growth is possible in a year.